depth of beauty

i don't really
care
with a shrug
and half fake
smile
like a damn
comedian
lying through her teeth

all a bunch
of hidden tears
and fallacies
that haunt her
when she stops
to look at herself

what was once
is now an odd
and misplaced version
of who she was
in the most basic
primal
physical sense

she says
i'm fat
and stares
unblinking
and then
blinks
to clear her eyes
as is the mirror
is a twisted mirage

that can't be her
that isn't
what the mirror showed
yesterday
but yesterday was
so far ago and so much
of nothing
has happened since

and it's all to be seen
now, on her

i'm fat.
it's true.
i'm fat.

it hurts and breaks
and the anger mounts
and worse
the reactions
of denial
as if she needs to be
babied or placiated
like she doesn't
really know

i'm fat.
it's not okay.

over and over
it's okay
no you're not
it's sexy.
love your body.

bull shit
she snaps
it's wrong
it's unhealthy
it's sick
it's ugly

and it's the truth.

there is no sugar coating
in her mind
and it's important
to remember
who she once was
for she will be there again

for now, she cries fat tears
and hates her body
and wishes so much was
different

and that her beauty
will return
to all it's depths